Are You a Conversational Narcissist?
A lot of problems in the world would be solved if we talked to each other instead of about each other - Nicky Gumbel
Your communication determines how effective you’ll be as a leader. You'll have serious issues if you don’t get your communication right. There is a concept known as “Conversational narcissism”, a term coined by sociologist Charles Derber, which refers to the tendency in conversations for one person to constantly redirect the focus back to themselves. It's an intriguing concept that not only impacts personal interactions but also extends its influence into professional realms, notably affecting leadership dynamics within various organizational settings.
Rather than just listening, they turn the conversation back to themselves to take over the conversation and do most of the talking. As a leader, you be careful of this. It is prevalent among leaders as I have experienced it many times. Instead of support responses, they use shift responses to turn the conversation back to themselves. It is often subtle and unconscious.
For example:
1. SHIFT RESPONSE
Team member: “I had an idea for the Ace jewelry ad”
Leader: “Really, I also came up with something. Let me tell you all about it.”
SUPPORT RESPONSE
Team member: “I had an idea for the Ace jewelry ad”
Leader: “Really, share it with me. I want to see what you’ve got.”
2. SHIFT RESPONSE
A friend: “I plan on visiting South Korea during the summer.”
You: “ Oh wow, I had my vacation there last year, let me tell you my experience.”
SUPPORT RESPONSE
A friend: “I plan on visiting South Korea during the summer.”
You: “That’s great, tell me the places you plan on visiting.”
Now, while this is a narcissistic trait, it doesn’t mean they are outright narcissistic. Leadership is about learning, unlearning, and relearning. Every great leader is a long life learner, always learning.
Make sure your conversations stay balanced, not just about you all the time. Also, try not to interrupt people when they are speaking because you want to chip in your own bit. It's very disrespectful. This could disrupt your leadership negatively as it causes a breakdown in communication, diminishes your team’s morale, stifles creativity and innovation, and hinders trust and relationship building.
2 QUOTE FOR YOU
“Shift responses are a hallmark of conversational narcissism. They help you turn the focus constantly back to yourself. But a support response encourages the other person to continue their story. It lets them know you’re listening in and hearing more
— Celeste Headlee
“Communication is a skill that you can learn. It’s like riding a bicycle or typing. If you’re willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life.”
— Brain Tracy.
3 QUESTIONS FOR YOU
Have you ever experienced a conversational narcissist?
Are you a conversational narcissist?
Will you work on it?